Vulnerability..........
I suppose "you" wouldn't know it but I tend to create the impression that I am an extrovert. People tend to think I am outgoing and secure in what I do and am. What is happening here is I AM A GREAT BIG FAKER! I am such a faker even I believe I am what others think I am.....Does that make any sense.
On to the point. I do very well among those whom I have built close relationships with. I have not a shy part of my soul and I am very willing to get "vulnerable" because I know they will love me anyway. Because of this I tend to stay in my comfort zone. I dont branch out or reach out or get vulnerable anywhere else.
So I leave for DC on Tuesday. I am going to a great big city I have never been to. In fact SLC scares the shit out of me alone. I am a small town girl who loves the image of the big city life. As I have posted before I thought I was country. But I digress.
I am going to connect with some women or a woman hopefully. See the beauty of Narcotics Anonymous is whereever I go, I have pseudo family. Anyway I feel vulnerable, I feel scared. I have attempted to convince friends to come just fly out the rest is on me. Dont bother with the fact that I will be in training 8 hours each day. So I am getting vulnerable. I am feeling wide open. I will be alone. This is the true test of my strength, and my realtionship with HP.
The adrenaline is kick ass today I can't imagine how it will feel Tuesday.
Sponsorship?
So this is the topic that baffles me best for today. I have this great woman I tend to call my sponsor, but..... I hardly ever connect with her. We haven't worked a step, she is busy, I am busy, blah blah blah. I adore her, I strive to walk a similar journey only on different path.
I say this because I am very active in a 12 step fellowship. I sponsor women and you know if they dont call for a few days.........hmmm weeks. I call them. I care for them like family because Narcotics Anonymous is my family. This program loved me and trusted me when no one else would or could. How can I not give that back to those who have come after me. Just because I am passionate about the fellowship and its components I dont expect that from my sponsor. I know she is my guide through the steps. I chose her based on her knowledge of the principles, the way I see her practicing these principles. The problem, I rarely see her. That is not to say she isn't in a meeting somewhere but she isn't in the meetings I go to. I have yet to work a step with her so I am not getting the fruits I anticipated. So do I find someone new?
I have looked. My area is drained. So many of us women with over 5 years are bombarded with women who need a sponsor. Most of the women I would have sponsor me are sponsored by me or someone I sponsor. How do those with accumulated clean time do this. I know this is not a Utah phenomenon. I already feel better just sharing it here in this forum. It is not simple to share this in a meeting as so many people know who my sponsor is and I wouldn't want to create drama in her life or her recovery.
I AM: Feeling tired and anxious to go home and sleep.
I SAID: I need coffee and I got some.
I WANT: to get a hair cut.
I WISH: I had more leave to take a mental health day.
I HATE: drug addiction.
I MISS: sleeping in.
I FEAR: Reagan making poor choices that I cant stop.
I HEAR: a copier.
I WONDER: Who wrote the book of love?
I REGRET: waking up 10 minutes early this morning.
I AM NOT: going to husbands softball game tonight (see #1)
I DANCE: to my own tune.
I SING: in private
I AM NOT ALWAYS: Patient.
I MADE: my bed this am.
I WRITE: what I want.
I CONFUSE: most people at one time or another.
I NEED: serenity and freedom.
I SHOULD: Quit bitching. My life is too good to bitch.
I START: whining when I am tired.
I FINISH: what I start.
I BELIEVE: in God.
I KNOW: Life is too short.
I CAN: Sleep with my eyes open.
I CAN’T: believe I am doing this.
I SEE: pictures of my kids reminding me why I work.
I BLOG: because I want to.
I READ: "used to read" everything I can get my hands on. I especially love trashy romance novels.
I AM AROUSED BY: husband doing what I want him to do without me asking.
IT PISSES ME OFF: That we have lived together so long and I still have to repeatedly tell him what I want.
I FIND: bobby pins all over the house.
I LIKE: naps.
I LOVE: moments with my family doing practically anything.
Mary Mary Quite Contrary....
I always believed I was a country girl stuck in the city. When I say stuck I dont mean that in a bad way. I loved the proximity to shopping centers. I truly enjoyed jumping in my car and in 2 minutes I had a fountain Pepsi on ice. But I always thought compared to my friends I was definately country.
I was very surprised this weekend. First because an old friend finally found me in rural Utah. When I say rural it isn't rural like some of you. But... It is 20 minutes to the nearest shopping center and that includes fountain Pepsi. But I digress... This friend asked me isn't that "country"? and I replied kind of. She said, "well what are you doing out there"? I said, "well honey I am living". This conversation got me thinking and that is when I decided that I was more country then most of my friends. However, on Sunday we (Husband and I) planted a garden and this sounded cute and quaint and there was much excitement.
Today, sunburned with heatstroke and pain in muscles I wasnt aware of I realize; I am not country at all......Maybe, my address but me I am fine with buying tomatoes at the local grocery store. Really I am. After having said that let me say that the day (72 away) that I can harvest something edible I will probably change my mind.
I guess the result is I am confused. I want some country with a touch of city or vice versa. I have always been one to like my cake and eat it too. I am pretty happy though that beginning this year and those that follow my children will experience the beauty that for me was grandma's house. Fresh veggies, hot sun and weed pulling. I remember those days fondly and hope that with age my children too will carry on the tradition of the generations that came before them.
T..........
