Free Journey

At this moment I am suffering from two desires. One to maintain a program of recovery and the other to just be normal. This is the insanity. As I understand myself I am an addict. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. However, in my head and in my heart I wonder why I label myself this way. I wonder if it is even true.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There was a time when I used substances to run and hide. I couldn't find a way out. I found that way through the program of narcotics anonymous. Today, I keep repeating the program. I live the same routine and I am bored with it all. I don't believe I would make the same choices today if presented with the same circumstances. I would like to believe I have learned something on this 12 year journey. So why can't I have a beer at the game, or drink a margarita with my fajitas? The book tells me that I can't. That catastrophe will be the outcome.

I have been sharing my misgivings because the program says "when you share it lessens the power it has over you". All this has done has caused chaos in the lives of some and pissed me off by others. Why do I have to have this thing. Some, I guess think I am cured and have had me on some pedestal and tell me I shouldn't share this with them because they are scared. Why the fuck can't I just be an addict like them? There are others taking inventory of my program telling me what I am not doing. Suggesting I do more when more is what frightens me. I have given heart and soul to this program. I have sacrificed many weekends and evenings to be of service to others and find that I guess I am not doing enough. I feel stuck.

I feel trapped in the program that gave me freedom. I feel like there is no way out but to use. Then everyone will expect nothing more of me. Then I can truly walk away from all the judgement, all the responsibility that has been placed upon me.