Halloween….
I find some things ironic.
I was born in October so October is a special month. Halloween is / was my holiday. I celebrated my birthday from the 1st to the 30th and it all ended with Halloween. I was very big into costumes and held parties every year. These were the parties people talked about.
October 31, 1997 I woke around 11:30 am to a delivery. It was a rather large delivery in preparation for that evenings runs and the party to follow. My daughter came home from Kindergarten attempting to show me the art she accomplished that day. But, in all the frenzy over the delivery I sent her away. The next thing I know my friend is at the bedroom door telling me there was a man there for me. This wasn’t just any man, it was the man. The head of the Metro Narcotics Squad. Ironic. Isn’t it.
Even though I didn’t get clean that day I see it as the day the rescue began. My daughter spent that night trick or treating with strangers. She was placed in a shelter until someone could take custody of her. See I was deemed unworthy. That was one of the saddest days of my life. But, it didn’t stop me from attempting to run from the pain. I ran long and I ran hard.
Halloween changed my life. I learned how something that was mine, only mine, could definitely be taken away from me. I learned that as a nonconformist I had better conform if I ever wanted to have my child in my life again. I learned that cops are ruthless. That as they physically assaulted people my daughter called family in front of her, they justified it by emotionally assaulting me. They reminded me that this would not be happening if I wasn’t who I was. They threatened that I would never see her again. “I believed them”
I didn’t think that I could get clean. I didn’t think my life would change. I had seen this happen to others and they never saw their children again (sooner or later). I knew I was an addict and I knew that I liked doing the things I did. The thing that got me through this time was I didn’t like the consequences. So I admitted I am an addict, I have no where clean to go, I can’t stop using. With in months I was incarcerated and subsequently sent to treatment. I found that clean place to go; I met people who didn’t use. I learned how to go out in the daylight. I was no longer paranoid around “normal” people.
That day was the biggest BOO of my life. That day something happened. It was something more than a raid, something more than criminal charges, something more than losing my child. That day the divine intervened. Strike force was simply a vehicle. Since then no other Halloween can compare. I haven’t been frightened since, I haven’t celebrated it since.
Trick or Treat everyone.
Principles before Personalities
These words are an affirmation: "We listen to our conscience and do what's right, no matter who's involved:' And that principle serves as one of the cornerstones of recovery as well as our traditions. Putting principles before personalities teaches us to treat everyone equally. The Twelfth Step asks us to apply principles in all our affairs; the Twelfth Tradition suggests we apply them to our relations with everyone.
I will listen to my conscience and do what's right. My focus will be on principles, not on people's personalities.
Many times when I come here to write I read the daily meditation and I contemplate its meaning, and the part it plays in my life today. I am not sure everyone is interested in the guidance I receive daily however this is my blog.
I was speaking with a friend regarding the nature of our service structure. Just as the nation gets crazy before a big election, the fellowship has went wacko before new elections. The person who currently chairs our committee called Hospitals and Institutions feels misunderstood, as if no one is listening. As we were talking I thought of the reasons I no longer attend this sub committee (by not participating in the monthly sub committee I am less likely to make it to a meeting). I tried to apply the principles. See I don’t mind being acquainted or even sharing my life with this woman but if I allow judgment to creep in I don’t like the way she lives and I don’t like the way she leads. So how do I apply principles and at the same time teach.
I am very good at being honest, almost to the point of being hurtful sometimes and this is something I have worked on. I asked God was I honest, yet compassionate. Did I teach yet not create resentment. When I opened my email today and saw the topic for the meditation I took that as a “yes” you did well, today.
So how do you apply principles before personalities and do you find this easier with other addicts. Sometimes I put too high of expectations on people who don’t share this disease, do you?
My strength is the result of living my values.It is interesting that this is the final line in the Just for Today, today. I spent yesterday evening at a cancer support group with a very dear friend. It was therapeutic in the emotional, spiritual sense. We did make up, tried on wigs and found places to find the coolest scarves. This is something we have discussed doing for a while. I have felt since her initial diagnosis that she should get involved with others sharing this experience. She thought… probably not. Then the opportunity for this very cool class call “Look Good….Feel Better” came along and she asked me to go with her. It was inspiring, it was fun and I feel all gooshy and emotional today.
The thing about this friend is that although she has walked this journey not making the same choices I would have made. She has walked this journey with the most dignity and grace I have ever seen. She has never played the “I have cancer card”. When she was sick, she was sick and wouldn’t lie about it or impose on anyone about it. She has held true to her commitments in life, she lived the values us in recovery share. She has taught me that it is not about the illness but about the recovery. She had her last chemotherapy three weeks ago and may of us rejoice! It has been suggested by medical professionals that she continue with some other therapy.
My emotional response was do it! I want you here I love you and I don’t want to wonder what if. I found myself promptly (with in hours) calling to humbly make amends. I reacted emotionally. I discounted her feelings and her choices. I didn’t stop to look at how she has carried herself (with HP) through this journey that she knows what more she can take or is willing to take. So amends I did make.
This has been a journey unlike any other. I grow closer and closer to this woman and I fall more and more in love with her inner self. Please say a little prayer, or whatever you do to let her continue to regain her health and add years to the time we will be friends.
An act of kindness costs me nothing, but is priceless to the recipient. I will be kind to someone today.It was earlier this week that I wrote about being of service. In case it wasn’t apparent to anyone who may be following along I was slightly disgruntled with the feeling that only a select few were willing to serve. Fast forward through the week and this quote pops up this morning during my meditation. How fitting? Do you know the first thing I thought was…? I should be that “someone” today. Talk about selfishness.
So it is Friday, finally. Friday is my favorite day for all sorts of different reasons but the most important is it is the beginning of the weekend. One thing from active addiction I could probably like today is not working or expending much energy, yet having enough liquid money to shop. Hmmm. Not possible, for me, through legal means. So I work. I am grateful for my job but I would much rather be home watching Oprah, err I mean my kids.
The one thing I do not like about weekends lately is Spongebob. I don’t mean to offend you Spongebob or any of your relatives, fans or friends. But, my son believes if the TV is on it should contain only images of Spongebob. I don’t mind cartoons and in fact actually enjoy quite a few. In fact, in fact, when I found out I was having a boy I was excited that I would get to watch boy cartoons (I know all about the gender debate, don’t go there). I was ecstatic. So my boy he loves Spongebob. I just got over this with my daughter. She just quit needing to watch and tell me all the details of the latest Spongebob show and now I get to do it all again. So I think this weekend we will stay busy. Fall cleaning, playing etc... Anything to avoid the brain numbing Spongebob.
Respect is defined by Webster’s as to consider worthy of high regard: ESTEEM b) to refrain from interfering with 2. To have reference to: CONCERN. Of course this is the short version. There are actually two references to respect with multiple contexts with which to use the word.
Such a simple act, you don’t know what something is you look it up. But defining respect is not enough to foster respect. I feel I have been a good parent. I have faced the challenges and prevailed. Some of these challenges have been that of my own doing but as my child matures I am faced with challenges that I am powerless over.
The challenge that still eludes is me the challenge of teaching respect. I attempt and I feel succeed at treating people, my child, friends, family, strangers with respect. I model this behavior. I have stooped so low as to beg my child to please respect others at least. Feel free to treat me badly but please respect others. It is not happening.
I feel like such a failure when it comes to teaching my child basic principles, morals, values, integrity. I experience life in such a manner that I know I am not modeling all the character defects that I see my child portray. I try to separate just being a kid and being at risk. I am not sure how to react. I am blindsided when incidents occur and I thought we were progressing. I thought she was practicing integrity. I know the consequences for the behavior I found out about today but how do I teach from this. How do I show her there is another way?
I learned all of these life lessons the hard way. I learned them my own way. Usually by experiencing the very worst there was experience. I don’t want her to go out like that. But, I am powerless. The best I can do is let my feet report to the carpet. Keep doing the next right thing and have faith that God wants the same as I, to break the cycle now.
Being of ServiceBack when I quit using I received my first taste of service in a treatment center. I remember the struggle of letting my selfish, self clean toilets for other women. I remember cleaning the hair out of drains and scrubbing hairspray from the counter. I loathed the work. The pay off was I was able to move freely about the recovery community. The first time I complained to my sponsor she lovingly reminded me that this was but one chore – per week. She reminded me that the others too were serving me. That by giving freely, with love I was gaining 10 fold in return. I soon learned to give of myself unconditionally. When I left treatment it wasn’t long before I envied those women who only had one chore per week. I was soon serving myself and my child completely and I found gratitude for the service those women shared with me.
This is a critical moment for me. This moment taught me to be willing to serve the still suffering addict. In fact, it was more than willingness, it was desire. For just over 8 years now I have been of service to the fellowship and the suffering addict. It took some time… Years actually to learn to balance this service and the service to myself and my family. Even though I understand how difficult it was for me to do less service with quality I get frustrated at other members lack of willingness to do any. I spent my Sunday being of service 2 committees from 10:30 am to 6:00 pm. This is a considerable amount of time away from my children and I would not be involved in both committees if one of them was not an effort by the Western States to teach and train addicts just as my sponsor did in the beginning. The frustrating part of this is that people are elected and don’t fulfill their responsibility and others still refuse to get involved.
I find the phenomenon in society as well. I serve the youth, minorities and low income individuals regularly through my employment. I find ways to get involved and stay involved. I use the skills I acquired in Narcotics Anonymous to repay the community I created chaos in. I see the same people at every table. I see people who hold title but show no action. I see community leaders and members refuse to get involved.
What is it about our society that we have lost the desire to be involved? Have we as a nation become so self absorbed and is it a result of the disease of addiction or is really just human nature to live life selfishly involved.
I ponder these questions regularly as I try to separate my disease from human nature. I learned through steps 6 and 7 that I am human and I falter as all humans do. So today, I try to find those behaviors that I am able to arrest as part of my disease and those behaviors that will always be simply because I am human.
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable.Step one for me is the most crucial step I ever took. It is the only step I took too late. That may not make sense to a “normie” (people who can drink or use without their lives getting unmanageable) but it might make sense to another addict.
I was too late. I hit too many bottoms. I lost too much. Then on that day January 14, 1998 I finally; humbly, admitted “I am an addict” I need help, I don’t know how to live. Back then this admission was related to drugs and that’s it. I didn’t realize that there are so many other mechanisms of escape for me. I was chatting with a friend on Monday and she was asking about another person’s behavior and I heard myself saying, I think she maybe escaping. Then it hit me one more time… I /We use people and places and things to escape the reality of the life we are living. Sometimes even clean life on life’s terms gets hard. As an addict I can’t medicate so I run.
With this in mind I have to make this admission each morning.
I run through blogs. When I am working and not much is going on. I am stuck at my computer I run to the lives of bloggers. It could make my life unmanageable. But that only occurs once in a while I run through parenting. When I am miserable I parent, I play with my kids I shut out that which makes me feel… bad (whatever label bad is wearing that day). Sometimes I don’t know how to parent so I have been known to run through Narcotics Anonymous (or any other 12-step fellowship you may be familiar with). I have thrown myself into service and done a ton of meetings to avoid parenting. I mean after all its good for me right. I also threw myself into school and graduated with honors. I even used this to escape the reality that I was a single parent. Many of these examples have all had good results, you know, I am clean, a college graduate with a clean organized house. But, a little over 2 years ago as I neared graduation prior to my son being born I realized I was running from my daughter. Today I admit each morning that I am powerless and I ask God for guidance. As a result I only run... a little. Progress not Perfection.
I am reflecting on the steps because I need to for me. I love the 12 steps and it doesn’t matter which form you may be familiar with. This tool has changed my life and if I could find away to get even those who don’t suffer from this disease to work them then I think the world would be a better place. Unfortunately not all members of the fellowships believe in the miracle that is working the steps. So I can’t imagine someone whose life doesn’t depend on it would.
