Change
January 12, 1998, I walked into a run down home with the hope that somehow this place would help me regain my life. I remember it was cold and I had been up all night. I had fought off the dawn and stayed awake to make it to this appointment. It was an appointment I should have made it to months ago. I sat across from a woman who looked old and weathered but she had a nice smile that would smirk each time I fabricated or minimized the truth. I didn’t know it then but I know now, she knew me and I didn’t even have to open my mouth.
The only question I remember is “how long has it been since you used last”. Probably the only truth I told the entire day was “right before I came”. She instructed me to not use between now and Wednesday. Wednesday I would check in and under go inpatient treatment. I skipped out knowing I would use, and I did. I used hard and heavy that night and the 24 hours following. I had no intention of staying clean and I didn’t know the consequences of using, I couldn’t see any.
The morning of January 14, 1998 I awoke to the local sheriff at my home to lock the doors. I remember thinking I don’t need this shit. I am going to treatment. I set off on my mission to find somewhere to get high before I checked in. My excuse was I had to find my roommate. In the process along the journey I was pulled over by yet another sheriff. I was handcuffed and taken to jail. I never got to smoke that last bowl.
9 years ago Saturday was the last time I used. I am very happy to be celebrating this milestone as I know that today is a miracle. I know in my heart that it is unnatural for me not to use and for 9 years I have been going against my human nature and walking a spiritual path with my Higher Power. For 9 years… I have lived. I have broken the cycle of addiction that goes on in my family as long as anyone can remember.
I am writing this entry today as I won’t log on Sunday. It was once shared with me that we live the step that correlates to the number of years we stay clean and I can see some truth in that. Maybe, by thinking this way I create it but that is okay because so far I have learned to walk 1 through 8. I can see 9 is on course to be the same. You see 2 weeks ago my husband had to go by his employees home to drop off some plans. I knew I was going to 28th and Van Buren so as I drove there I had flashbacks and triggers along the way. I drive these streets all the time and don’t have this experience. I shared this with my husband and he said why, I simply said the last time I used was at 2908 Van Buren. I sat outside in the car as my husband went in and felt paranoia just as I did then. I remembered standing in the driveway the day of my raid and I remembered watching so many I loved being taken away. I remembered the pain.
Then the same weekend one of those loved ones who was taken away contacted me out of the blue. She has changed her life and moved on to another state with a great man and is living just like me. I remembered the bonds that we shared, the love that we had; the misery and the joy.
Tuesday I was leaving for lunch and I ran across the roommate. The one I was looking for. He is being housed in a half way house. He is working. He looked good. I hugged him.
Quite possibly God’s Will is such that I don’t have to live any longer with out the knowledge that at least these 2 people cared for me as much as I did for them.
Step 9 is about forgiveness for me. I have forgiven me through these last two weeks. Over the course of year 8 I finally conceded and no longer allow my daughter guilt me. I stated to her about 6 months ago. “I have been clean longer than used as your parent”. I have allowed amends and forgiveness into my soul.
The freedom of forgiveness is such that I look forward to this next year with an ache and a yearning. More of anything is good for this addict but more Freedom is definitely a miracle.
January 12, 1998, I walked into a run down home with the hope that somehow this place would help me regain my life. I remember it was cold and I had been up all night. I had fought off the dawn and stayed awake to make it to this appointment. It was an appointment I should have made it to months ago. I sat across from a woman who looked old and weathered but she had a nice smile that would smirk each time I fabricated or minimized the truth. I didn’t know it then but I know now, she knew me and I didn’t even have to open my mouth.
The only question I remember is “how long has it been since you used last”. Probably the only truth I told the entire day was “right before I came”. She instructed me to not use between now and Wednesday. Wednesday I would check in and under go inpatient treatment. I skipped out knowing I would use, and I did. I used hard and heavy that night and the 24 hours following. I had no intention of staying clean and I didn’t know the consequences of using, I couldn’t see any.
The morning of January 14, 1998 I awoke to the local sheriff at my home to lock the doors. I remember thinking I don’t need this shit. I am going to treatment. I set off on my mission to find somewhere to get high before I checked in. My excuse was I had to find my roommate. In the process along the journey I was pulled over by yet another sheriff. I was handcuffed and taken to jail. I never got to smoke that last bowl.
9 years ago Saturday was the last time I used. I am very happy to be celebrating this milestone as I know that today is a miracle. I know in my heart that it is unnatural for me not to use and for 9 years I have been going against my human nature and walking a spiritual path with my Higher Power. For 9 years… I have lived. I have broken the cycle of addiction that goes on in my family as long as anyone can remember.
I am writing this entry today as I won’t log on Sunday. It was once shared with me that we live the step that correlates to the number of years we stay clean and I can see some truth in that. Maybe, by thinking this way I create it but that is okay because so far I have learned to walk 1 through 8. I can see 9 is on course to be the same. You see 2 weeks ago my husband had to go by his employees home to drop off some plans. I knew I was going to 28th and Van Buren so as I drove there I had flashbacks and triggers along the way. I drive these streets all the time and don’t have this experience. I shared this with my husband and he said why, I simply said the last time I used was at 2908 Van Buren. I sat outside in the car as my husband went in and felt paranoia just as I did then. I remembered standing in the driveway the day of my raid and I remembered watching so many I loved being taken away. I remembered the pain.
Then the same weekend one of those loved ones who was taken away contacted me out of the blue. She has changed her life and moved on to another state with a great man and is living just like me. I remembered the bonds that we shared, the love that we had; the misery and the joy.
Tuesday I was leaving for lunch and I ran across the roommate. The one I was looking for. He is being housed in a half way house. He is working. He looked good. I hugged him.
Quite possibly God’s Will is such that I don’t have to live any longer with out the knowledge that at least these 2 people cared for me as much as I did for them.
Step 9 is about forgiveness for me. I have forgiven me through these last two weeks. Over the course of year 8 I finally conceded and no longer allow my daughter guilt me. I stated to her about 6 months ago. “I have been clean longer than used as your parent”. I have allowed amends and forgiveness into my soul.
The freedom of forgiveness is such that I look forward to this next year with an ache and a yearning. More of anything is good for this addict but more Freedom is definitely a miracle.
posted by freedom14 @ 1:06 PM
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