Free Journey

At this moment I am suffering from two desires. One to maintain a program of recovery and the other to just be normal. This is the insanity. As I understand myself I am an addict. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. However, in my head and in my heart I wonder why I label myself this way. I wonder if it is even true.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There was a time when I used substances to run and hide. I couldn't find a way out. I found that way through the program of narcotics anonymous. Today, I keep repeating the program. I live the same routine and I am bored with it all. I don't believe I would make the same choices today if presented with the same circumstances. I would like to believe I have learned something on this 12 year journey. So why can't I have a beer at the game, or drink a margarita with my fajitas? The book tells me that I can't. That catastrophe will be the outcome.

I have been sharing my misgivings because the program says "when you share it lessens the power it has over you". All this has done has caused chaos in the lives of some and pissed me off by others. Why do I have to have this thing. Some, I guess think I am cured and have had me on some pedestal and tell me I shouldn't share this with them because they are scared. Why the fuck can't I just be an addict like them? There are others taking inventory of my program telling me what I am not doing. Suggesting I do more when more is what frightens me. I have given heart and soul to this program. I have sacrificed many weekends and evenings to be of service to others and find that I guess I am not doing enough. I feel stuck.

I feel trapped in the program that gave me freedom. I feel like there is no way out but to use. Then everyone will expect nothing more of me. Then I can truly walk away from all the judgement, all the responsibility that has been placed upon me.

On this day I awoke to everyone still sleeping, my husband half awake next to me. After a little snuggle I said something like I guess I will go make coffee. Sean replied I can do it, it is mother's day. Guess who made coffee? Yep, me. The house was quiet as I padded through the living room and set folgers to brew. I stepped out to the porch to indulge in that habit I have yet to break. The sun was rising and it was warm. As I sat to contemplate the serenity of the day, out came my son. Tanner with his bed head in Ben 10 jammies said to me Happy Mother's Day. He sat down next to me and we listened to the birds. He kissed me and said, did I already tell you.... Happy Mother's Day! (yes son but I can listen to it a million times over).

This is such an amazing day for me for as a child I never intended to have children. This is an oxymoron as I had my first child as a teen. I always had so much fear that I didn't have it in me to be a mother at least not the kind of mother a child deserves. I didn't have the desire to be responsible for any trauma when it came to children. Since giving birth to that first innocent soul I have tried my best to emulate those qualities I see in the mother's around me. To love, nurture and guide my children the best way I know how.

When Reagan woke up this day she brought to me my mother's day card. It was perfect, the words summed up our relationship and where we are today. She was so proud that she was able to drive herself to the store and purchase this card on her own with her own money. I realized in that moment.... That I am not a bad mother. There is always room for improvement but my 18 year old is relatively normal, mostly well rounded. We share so many common traits, being a mother is like that; looking in the mirror and hoping you see only the good things about you there.

On this Mother's Day I am grateful to the children my God has placed in my life. These souls that have to taught me about unconditional love. And that fear, I still have it. I continue to be afraid that I am not good enough, that they deserve something more or better than what I have to offer. When that fear comes to the surface I need only look to Reagan and her accomplishments, and Tanner with is innocence and know that We are exactly where we are supposed to be. Loving and learning together.

Thank you to my wonderful husband for supporting me. For reminding me when I become paralyzed with that fear that I know what the next right step is. For stepping up when I can't and being a compliment to this process of parenting. For saying yes when I want to no. For all these reasons and so many more I will forgive you for not making coffee :)

Love,

me