Insanity........
At this moment I am suffering from two desires. One to maintain a program of recovery and the other to just be normal. This is the insanity. As I understand myself I am an addict. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. However, in my head and in my heart I wonder why I label myself this way. I wonder if it is even true.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There was a time when I used substances to run and hide. I couldn't find a way out. I found that way through the program of narcotics anonymous. Today, I keep repeating the program. I live the same routine and I am bored with it all. I don't believe I would make the same choices today if presented with the same circumstances. I would like to believe I have learned something on this 12 year journey. So why can't I have a beer at the game, or drink a margarita with my fajitas? The book tells me that I can't. That catastrophe will be the outcome.
I have been sharing my misgivings because the program says "when you share it lessens the power it has over you". All this has done has caused chaos in the lives of some and pissed me off by others. Why do I have to have this thing. Some, I guess think I am cured and have had me on some pedestal and tell me I shouldn't share this with them because they are scared. Why the fuck can't I just be an addict like them? There are others taking inventory of my program telling me what I am not doing. Suggesting I do more when more is what frightens me. I have given heart and soul to this program. I have sacrificed many weekends and evenings to be of service to others and find that I guess I am not doing enough. I feel stuck.
I feel trapped in the program that gave me freedom. I feel like there is no way out but to use. Then everyone will expect nothing more of me. Then I can truly walk away from all the judgement, all the responsibility that has been placed upon me.
Happy Mother's Day!
On this day I awoke to everyone still sleeping, my husband half awake next to me. After a little snuggle I said something like I guess I will go make coffee. Sean replied I can do it, it is mother's day. Guess who made coffee? Yep, me. The house was quiet as I padded through the living room and set folgers to brew. I stepped out to the porch to indulge in that habit I have yet to break. The sun was rising and it was warm. As I sat to contemplate the serenity of the day, out came my son. Tanner with his bed head in Ben 10 jammies said to me Happy Mother's Day. He sat down next to me and we listened to the birds. He kissed me and said, did I already tell you.... Happy Mother's Day! (yes son but I can listen to it a million times over).
This is such an amazing day for me for as a child I never intended to have children. This is an oxymoron as I had my first child as a teen. I always had so much fear that I didn't have it in me to be a mother at least not the kind of mother a child deserves. I didn't have the desire to be responsible for any trauma when it came to children. Since giving birth to that first innocent soul I have tried my best to emulate those qualities I see in the mother's around me. To love, nurture and guide my children the best way I know how.
When Reagan woke up this day she brought to me my mother's day card. It was perfect, the words summed up our relationship and where we are today. She was so proud that she was able to drive herself to the store and purchase this card on her own with her own money. I realized in that moment.... That I am not a bad mother. There is always room for improvement but my 18 year old is relatively normal, mostly well rounded. We share so many common traits, being a mother is like that; looking in the mirror and hoping you see only the good things about you there.
On this Mother's Day I am grateful to the children my God has placed in my life. These souls that have to taught me about unconditional love. And that fear, I still have it. I continue to be afraid that I am not good enough, that they deserve something more or better than what I have to offer. When that fear comes to the surface I need only look to Reagan and her accomplishments, and Tanner with is innocence and know that We are exactly where we are supposed to be. Loving and learning together.
Thank you to my wonderful husband for supporting me. For reminding me when I become paralyzed with that fear that I know what the next right step is. For stepping up when I can't and being a compliment to this process of parenting. For saying yes when I want to no. For all these reasons and so many more I will forgive you for not making coffee :)
Love,
me
Reagan's 18!
The year was 1992, it was nearly spring…… I will always remember the anticipation the night before. I was unable to sleep and I checked and rechecked the small amount of belongings that were yours. I recall going to the car that morning and the air was a bit crisp but nothing could chill the feeling of excitement. On this day I would be a mother.
March 19,1992 @ 12:28 pm born into this world was Reagan Mae. 7 lbs 12 oz, 20.5 inches long. What little hair you did have was tinted red and you came to this world with your eyes wide open. You were not shy and timid but bold and outspoken even before you could speak.
Along the way you have amazed me. At first it was the amount of love that overflowed my heart. The way that I knew from the moment I kissed your fingers the first time that I would do anything for you. I was blessed to have you and I knew it that first moment. You continued to amaze me with your intelligence and beauty. You were always exploring and curious. Once you understood that those letters in the book were the key to the story you began immediately putting the sounds together and would no longer allow me to read to you. You read to me. It was slow and I was impatient but you never faltered. You would do it. You have always been witty with a wonderful sense of humor that has always been much older than your age. You have a way at winning the hearts of the people around you. You would always crack up all of my friends and many times I was sure they hung out with me to be entertained by you. You first began to express your independence through the way that you dressed. This was always so frustrating for me but I learned to take it in stride. I always wanted you to grow into a strong and independent woman and today I believe you are well on your way. Even though it pains me so much to let you go.
I know I have not always been the best parent or mother. I made so many mistakes and unfortunately you were affected. The odds were stacked against us. I was much too young to be a mother and add to that it was just you and I for much of those first 8 years. It wasn’t fair to you but you were given the responsibility of motivating and inspiring me to change my life. I know today you do not understand this but one day you will. I am who I am because of the love I have for you. I didn’t know it then but I am fully aware today that it is not that way for every parent. The disease of addiction is strong and many struggle to recover. Because of you there was no question that I would. And today when I see the remarkable woman you are becoming I realize even the tough days are worth it.
I remember watching you grow and thinking to myself it would always just be you and me against the world. That wasn’t the case though and into our life came the man that would become your father. I am so proud of you for that decision. Not every child gets to choose its parents and you chose well my love. I am so grateful that you were given the gift of a father that loves you and that God knew I needed help and support to help you in become the best person you can be. Heaven knows I have been strict and that I prefer to tell you no. God knew you needed your dad so you could hear yes when you should. I hope you understand that the fear I have is a result of my love for you. It has always been that way and I know it drives you crazy. One day when you have your own children (a long , long, long time from now) you will understand why I tried to shelter you. You will understand this irrational fear. Hopefully though you will have learned from your dad how to have faith that you have taught your child well.
That is what I will do today. The best gift I can give you is to let you know, I know we have given you the tools to begin your journey. You get to choose what you do with those tools. I will always be here for you to help and support you. I will continue to cheer you on and shed tears of joy when you dance. This is the most important dance I will watch; for now you begin the dance of life.
October 16, 1974
30 "something" years ago today I came to this life. This is something I have pondered each year as I have matured. What would this world have been like if this young being had not been born. Would anyone have noticed that something was missing?
I like to think that I live my life in such away that the answer to that question is yes. I know had that moment not occurred two other, equally special beings would not have come to this place called life. It is hard to believe in my short time here that I have actually lived two extremely different existences. I existed in a world of addiction for 23 years. It started with that of my mother and progressed to my very own manifestation of the disease. I wonder did I ask my father to allow me to live that journey. Is that something I knew I would endure when I came to this place. As terrible as I was and awful as it all felt I like to think I was a good addict, that I had some semblance of integrity even when my mind was not functioning at an acceptable level. What was I to take from that experience? How do I apply that into me today?
When I found recovery and the opportunity to live like other humans I attempted to find a place I called normal. I chose to emulate my definition of normal for my child. Although I will never be normal, I can provide that for her. The desire and passion for affording my child something different than what was given to me has turned into a desire and passion to provide that for other children just like her. Along the way I have been blessed with a marriage unsurpassed by others. (at least that is my opinion) and another child that I strive to ensure he never has to see me or his father use. This journey has been amazing. Did my HP allow me to experience the first 23 years to ensure I can fulfill my legacy now. Did my HP provide those years so I would have the humility to understand the families I work with, the hope that they too can become something they never imagined. I like to hope so. I like to hope that I wasn't just dealt this hand but that I selected each challenge personally.
I believe that in this life I will never know what the world would have been like with out me. It is my desire to ensure that since I am in it, that I live in such away that people are glad that I am here living this journey beside them. I am so grateful to all of those I am blessed to share this journey with. Thank you so much for loving me as I am and allowing me to experience my own growing pains as we walk this spiritual path together.
I sit here amazed still.
On August 9, 2003 I married the love of my life. I have always known he was the love of my life but due to life experience and host of bad relationships on the day I was married I hoped and prayed he felt the same. Today, I sit here amazed. I have come to my own understanding that God created this man just for me. Anyone who knows me knows I am not easy to live with. I have interesting quirks that result in high expectations of myself, my partner and my children. God provided my husband with just enough patience to live with and love me.
I look forward to the dawn when I awake and find him here. I am anxious for the workday to end to get home to find him here still. When we lay down at night I am sure to thank my higher power that there next to me lies the man that teaches me daily about unconditional love. He continues to respect me, love me, honor me and empower me to be the best woman I can be. He supports me in achieving my dreams and my goals and allows me to pursue those things as fast or as slow as I’d like.
6 years into this journey called marriage I am grateful I didn’t let doubt or fear keep me from taking that step down the aisle. My husband has proved to be much more than I ever dreamed. He is an amazing father to my children, a great supporter of their dreams as well. He is active and involved and often isn’t given the credit he deserves. The quality of life, family and love we share is far greater than I ever thought I deserved. For this, on this day I want to thank you Sean. I continue to be deeply and madly in love with you. Thank you for loving me and ensuring that I feel cherished each and every day.
I'm back.....
It has been quite sometime since I chose to post on my blog. The reason behind it would have to do with the last post. I did change careers and have found fulfillment in the change. I once had the time to create a post that for me was written well, with passion and confidence. When I decided to come back to blogging I read through each post to determine where it was I left off. I found that I had written some great posts regarding my family and brought back memories and emotions. It is those emotions that are drawing me back. I hope one day to have this tool as a catalog of my journey.
I read about my daughter beginning her journey in high school. I had no idea at the time how that would turn out. She is preparing to begin her senior year. She has been a representative of her school through cheer for two years. Over the course of this time she has made some great choices and some not so great choices. She has wandered her way through the teenage years challenging the direction of her parents yet somehow coming into her own. To the looks of it she is a woman but when I look past the surface I still see my baby. I wonder today if it will always be that way as a mother? Knowing your child is grown yet still seeing your child as unsure. Still knowing that this person is growing and maturing each day and isn't quite sure but wants to be. I love her so much my heart aches. As much as I know she will always be in my life this is still the end of something for me as a mother.
My son is beginning the journey through his education this year with kindergarten. He has grown and changed so much. He has a strength that far surpasses that of his sister at this age. I believe this strength comes from him having confidence that life will remain the same. He has the love and support of two parents and has not had to face the same challenges that my daughter did. I was truly blessed to be given the opportunity to create and raise this little man. With him I have an understanding that I didn't have with my daughter. I know that he is listening even when it seems he is not. Lucky for him I made most of my mistakes with his sister. I learned my style and fine tuned my beliefs and values in raising a child.
My journey has changed and been altered overtime but through it all one thing has remained the same and that is my great faith in a power greater than myself. Regardless of the changes this source has provided courage and strength. My life has a different shape and is over flowing with many blessings.
Moving on…..
When I began the journey to my education I had an idea of what I would like to be when I was done. That idea changed over time. I found a position with a great place to work, great people to work with. The only downfall was/is I wasn’t fulfilled. I found myself doing and being exactly the things I did prior to going to school. I found myself stuck in time. I had hope that something different, something challenging would happen for me. It didn’t.
I decided to take a little power back. To just look and see what there was for me out there. And what do you know; I found that place that I wanted to be in the beginning. That place found me and that place… showed great interest. I believe the things that happen slowly, deliberately and that try my patience tend to be the things meant for me. Well this happened slowly, deliberately and I was frazzled by it. The end result, exactly what I wanted, exactly what I needed and I got exactly that. I have a new position; I am embarking on my career. Finally I will be given the opportunity to shine at something that means something to me.
I thank my higher power today and each day for always providing me the strength and courage to do just what I need to do when I need to do it. I thank my higher power for providing with the necessary skills and tools to try and walk this path with integrity. Today, when I feel like leaping I am reigned in by the will of something much more powerful than me. Today, that power keeps me safe and provides stability for my family. I am a responsible, productive person because today I rely on the judgment of something besides myself. I rely on God.
