Free Journey

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable.

Step one for me is the most crucial step I ever took. It is the only step I took too late. That may not make sense to a “normie” (people who can drink or use without their lives getting unmanageable) but it might make sense to another addict.

I was too late. I hit too many bottoms. I lost too much. Then on that day January 14, 1998 I finally; humbly, admitted “I am an addict” I need help, I don’t know how to live. Back then this admission was related to drugs and that’s it. I didn’t realize that there are so many other mechanisms of escape for me. I was chatting with a friend on Monday and she was asking about another person’s behavior and I heard myself saying, I think she maybe escaping. Then it hit me one more time… I /We use people and places and things to escape the reality of the life we are living. Sometimes even clean life on life’s terms gets hard. As an addict I can’t medicate so I run.

With this in mind I have to make this admission each morning.

I run through blogs. When I am working and not much is going on. I am stuck at my computer I run to the lives of bloggers. It could make my life unmanageable. But that only occurs once in a while  I run through parenting. When I am miserable I parent, I play with my kids I shut out that which makes me feel… bad (whatever label bad is wearing that day). Sometimes I don’t know how to parent so I have been known to run through Narcotics Anonymous (or any other 12-step fellowship you may be familiar with). I have thrown myself into service and done a ton of meetings to avoid parenting. I mean after all its good for me right. I also threw myself into school and graduated with honors. I even used this to escape the reality that I was a single parent. Many of these examples have all had good results, you know, I am clean, a college graduate with a clean organized house. But, a little over 2 years ago as I neared graduation prior to my son being born I realized I was running from my daughter. Today I admit each morning that I am powerless and I ask God for guidance. As a result I only run... a little. Progress not Perfection.

I am reflecting on the steps because I need to for me. I love the 12 steps and it doesn’t matter which form you may be familiar with. This tool has changed my life and if I could find away to get even those who don’t suffer from this disease to work them then I think the world would be a better place. Unfortunately not all members of the fellowships believe in the miracle that is working the steps. So I can’t imagine someone whose life doesn’t depend on it would.

posted by freedom14 @ 2:50 PM