March 17, 1998 I was able to go before a judge. This was my day of reckoning. I had just over 60 days clean and I thought I was the queen of recovery. I knew all about this 12-step thing and the judge was going to see that I was different and deserved leniency. The funny part is the probation department saw it that way, the prosecuting attorney saw it that way. Why wouldn't the judge?
March 17th, 2 days before my daughters birthday, her 6th birthday but my first one clean. I wore green and got into my step dads car for the 20 minute drive to court. I said a little prayer but it lacked humility, it lacked regret. HP must have known.
20 minutes to Davis County, 15 in the courtroom and quickly sentenced to 1 year in the county jail. WHAT! I could not believe what I was hearing. Don't you know who I AM! I have been clean, I went to a meeting every fucking day.... Please just give me a couple days to get my affairs in order. The judge responds with a resounding NO! Immediately shock, dispair, humiliation flood over me. I am scared and afraid. I am sad and ashamed. My poor daughter. She will not understand.
The gaurd escorts me back where they take my shoes and my jewelry and inspect the back of my throat and the small space between my ear and my head. I promptly go to the pay phone to reach no one. No one is home. I watch some day time tv but I can't recall what. I only know it was boring as hell and my mind raced with the year that streched before me. A year? My first charge...
At lunch they take me to a holding cell and there I meet a woman in blue. She is holding for court from the other county. She has crazy, brunette curls and a smile. I cannot relate. What is there to smile about. She taught me about gratitude that day. She told me how fortunate I was that the food here was so great. She told me how her institution fed the inmates and she HOPED to be around for dinner. I thought this chic, she's nuts.
Well she wasn't in the holding cell for dinner, but I sure was. About now I am pissed. I can't even watch tv. I have nothing as I sit and wait. These bastards was all I could think. Finally in complete desperation I hit my knees. Dear Father, dad, God whatever is out there. HELP ME. I can't do this alone, I can't do this 1 year, I dont want to. HOW.... I saw very clearly 2 paths. One was the easy, soft, way. I could sit around, play games, fit in. Or, I could take everything this place had to offer. (whatever that was) and not get in the mix. I could learn. (all of these thoughts weren't clear or concise but I understood my Choice). I asked for only one thing a room mate I would get along with. I had been here before and was miserable with a roommate that I did not relate with.
Finally I am rolled into the place I would call home. It was late and everyone was locked down. I didn't know who was there or if I even knew anyone. Coming from the pits of hell I was bound to know someone. I needed a sister to hook me up, right. I get into my cell A12 and I am alone. I am alone. Do you hear that internet. I dont have to put up with anyone's shit but my own. I was blessed.
The next morning I awoke to the sound of RAZOR'S. That meant I could leave my cell. I could walk and stretch and shower without anyone else waiting in line. So up I got. I jumped into the shower and let the luke warm water run, then it stopped, then I pushed the button, then it ran, then it stopped. (If you have this experience I am sure you can find the humor in this sentence). I got out and walked back to A12. I couldn't use the phone until 9:00am so I got back into bed and laid there. I talked to that force that was out there. I continued to ask HOW I was going to make it. HOW could I make this work?
At 9:00 I called my family to learn that my future wasn't near as bad as I had envisioned. The judge sentenced me to 1 year, but..........I was given a review in 60 days. 60 days I could get out if I was good. Could I be good? I wasn't sure but I promised my daughter. I swore to her I would be home from now on for her birthday. I promised my mom. I promised promised promised. I got off the phone and immediately began to work my magic. You see back then I had a way of conning, of working it, of getting what I wanted. I had a reputation and I used it to my advantage. Pretty soon I had envelopes, pencils, paper, shampoo, soap, a brush, some hair ties and of course candy. All the things a good inmate needs. Then I hit up the girls in orange. You see orange is the magic color in Davis County. If you wear orange it means you have a job. If you have a job it means a few things one of which I was interested in. I wanted to look GOOD in 60 days. I found out how to get on the list for a job and I did so immediately. At 1:00pm I was on the list for work and school.
I got a job after 6 days, I went to school every day, I went to classes and church I did everything as I should. 60 days later I was released........just as soon as this other institution had a bed. So I waited and I waited and I waited. 10 days later I was free. Kind of.
My point is March 17, 1998 I met this beautiful soul that taught me about gratitude. On March 22nd of this year she celebrates 7 years clean. She is a sweet girl, one of my best friends. She stood in my wedding, she watched my son be born and she has seen me at my worst and my finest. It is a sweet, sweet time.
March 17, of this year my sweet dear husband celebrates 6 years clean. 6 years....He has practiced these principles. 5 years he has shared them with me. I am a very blessed woman to have a man like him. I always share, "if you dont think your man is the best, then you better keep looking"
March is spring, new beginnings, change and love. I love my life, my HP, my family and my friends. March it is a sweet sweet time, for me.
posted by freedom14 @ 3:13 PM
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